In loving memory of Asher Sirkin

today i said goodbye to one of my good friends. i never expected this. nobody did. i never thought that i would be praying with everything i have, all my heart and soul to keep him alive for just a little longer. ive always prayed for him, but never was i so desperate in my thoughts and prayers. im not ready to let go. but there is really nothing i can do (and how i wish i could) to change the situation. wow. a big wow. i miss your smile, your wit, your long warm hugs. just as the rabbi said before us all, id go around collecting years from people that they would gladly give up for you until i reach one thousand. i tried to save my tears because i knew you'd frown at my red, wet face. but i am sorry, i couldn't hold them in. you. you gave me so much meaning in my life. you always carried this peaceful aura, you could walk into a room, and somehow everything would be o.k. you always brought the best out of everyone, always putting yourself last. you never ushered a complain, not even through the toughest times. i always heard "im so much better" with promise in your voice, and i believed you. i believed you even when you were at your hardest and most painful times. its too surreal to get the unwanted phone calls, the repulsive feelings, the dreaded sorrow. but i know you picked your moment, you finally did what you needed to do for yourself.
i want to thank you, for everything that you were. always a smile on your face, and its always a real one, from ear to ear. one time i asked you what you wanted to do with your life, your future. you told me you were not sure, because you never thought you had a future. but if i can live the rest of my life like you have lived your short one, i would be the happiest person in the world, because i know that you were. i can go on and talk about all the wonderful things that you have done for so many people in your life, but i think the list is endless. you gave so much love. ive never met someone with so much compassion, so much to give.
you used to call me and say "hello my wife, how are the kids" and id give you an update. id always say "i thought they were with you this weekend!" and you would say you lost them. you always listened, i always had to go first and spill my life to you before you told me about yours.
i don't think the word 'amazing' does you justice. when i think of you i always smile, because i can just imagine you doing something completely goofy, or striking some silly pose. i want to be a better person, i want to be more like you, because i think that we often get so self involved that we forget about what really matters. and you always, always knew the important things in life. you have perpetually inspired me, and that is what i want to share with the rest of the world. i want to share Asher with everyone that i meet and give the kind of love and friendship that you did to everyone.
as we were driving in to the cemetery i was so scared. i didn't want you there. as we drove in a group of birds flew up and led us to where you were. i know that was you watching over us, telling us that its ok. i know because the feeling was mutual. and i know that you will always be watching over me, my little guardian angel. i love you Asher, you always knew that.

and I thought that working on a friday night would suck

however, this particular friday night, as i volunteered myself to work turned out amusingly eventful. This friday I was completely and utterly bored at worked. It was a slow night, and literally, I got about 50 cents in my tip jar. I sat at the employee table, which isn't officially the employee table but its the closest to the work station and all the employees claim it at their shift. So I was sitting and reading up on Lazarus and something about the stress response when I see the party bus pull up across the street. The party bus in SF is very much like many party buses everywhere. Its a bus that goes around to many different bars in the city and it just so happens that the last stop is across the street, our very friendly tikki bar. It always amazed me why on earth this bus even comes here, a residential neighborhood. As the evening was winding down I got a call from my manager who was standing across the street waving to me. He just wanted me to wave back. I was more than eager to see him drunk across the street. As I was closing up these two russians in their late thirties, early forties come in.
In Russian:
Hi what's your name?
vica
My name is victor, doesn't that have a good ring to it?
ugh (weird awkward expression on my face)
Can I have your phone number?
no
blah blah blah can I have your phone number?
I'm seeing someone (I don;t know how to say boyfriend in russian)
but in the future when you are not seeing anyone I want to call you
i am very busy right now


thus i kept to my work and asked them to leave once the clock stroke the hour and forcefully locked the door behind them. So after work, Brett ( a coworker) and I headed over across the street to see our manager drunk. Sadly, he wasn't there any more, but our favorite bartender was, which made the night oh so much better. The place was more packed than I have ever seen it, and surprisingly Brett and I found 2 seats at the bar. Right away I hear my name, and who else but the annoying russian guy from an hour before.

EXHIBIT A
vica, would you like to have a drink with me?
thank you but i am with someone, and i point to my friend

So the night went on, vlad came with a friend. I called up Michael who also joined us and the place got even more packed once the second party bus arrived. I was surrounded by men. I don't know what happened to sick russian guy but he must of noticed me and my entourage and left. an hour or so later, for some reason it was just Michael and i sitting at a table. out of no where sick russian guy reappears. he spots me and sits down, without being invited to.

EXHIBIT B
would you like to have a drink
thank you but i am with someone (at which point i felt rude to not introduce him to michael)
this is michael (and with a complete loss of command of the russian language i say...) we live together. (but seriously, in russian i don't even think the word 'roommate' even exists. you either live at home or with your grandmother. That's just how it works)

at this point he is still not leaving me alone, but probably thinks i am a complete whore. he walks away.

EXHIBIT C
vlad comes and puts his arm around me.

yes, he definitely thinks im a prostitute.
oh and when i asked my favorite bartender to make me something strong and sweet, but not too sweet, i didn't think he'd take me seriously.

sometimes

the world comes tumbling down. your stress professor tells you that if you don't exercise you will die. so you rush to the gym straight after class for an hour of step aerobics. your out of breath. is it time? is this what he was talking about? is this what he meant when he said that every week of exercise lost, is a week lost forever. but sometimes the world tumbles in a different way. sometimes you screw up on an exam. you get a letter of rejection. your favorite tv show is canceled. the hero of the book dies. sometimes other people let you down. you get stood up. they don't apologize. sometimes you have to redefine who your friends are. sometimes you get pushed around. And sometimes you push around. You lose, you cry, you pick your battles. Sometimes your heart gets broken, sometimes its something so profound. Sometimes you get a package in the mail, a big smile on your face. Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you're on the floor with laughter. Sometimes you do some things that are so bad that they're so good. Sometimes you drink, you drink again, again, again, and then again. Sometimes you walk outside your door and notice the building on the other side of the street, its one of the most beautiful buildings you have ever seen. And then the world comes tumbling down again. You frown, you cry, you take a time out. You stay up thinking about where you went wrong. And then you wonder how this all started in the first place.




picture of Cory taken by me

your smart, your wonderful, your brilliant

were the genuine words of a professor last night at the Psi Chi induction ceremony. I was inducted, yes, to the national honors society of psychology. The shindig went pretty well. A few good people, a couple amazing professors, and a few words. The first prof started telling us about grad school and how stressful yet rewarding it is and basically how to get in. The second, who is actually my Stats professor who I enjoy very much gave us her 2 cents. This woman is amazing. I am not going to go into detail about her life and the obstacles she endured but let me just say that after a half an hour of listening of how stressful and hard getting into grad school is, she made a complete 360 turn and shared with us some of the most motivating and inspiring words. She did something that nobody thought she would be able to do or want, not even herself and here she is, PhD from Yale and one of the most respected professors in Psychology, doing what she loves. I guess what I learned last night is that I really need to stop focusing in my life on things that are in the way or are an annoyance to what I want to achieve. I am not sure exactly what it is that I want but sitting there in that room surrounded by a bunch of people who are just as unsure of themselves as I am listening to these adults who want to help us was genuinely an amazing experience. Sometimes all it takes is for someone to shake you up and tell you that your worth it and then you really do see just how smart, wonderful and brilliant you are.