im stuck

so i have been stuck in this state of mind that i cannot categorize. at times im happy, at times sad, at moments a bit neurotic. oh who am i kidding, perpetually neurotic. mostly what this neurosis has to do with is figuring things out about where the hell i am heading in life. i look around and see amazing people doing amazing things, either for themselves or for the world. but bottum line is that every new face i meet and every old one i greet has some kind of goal or trophy in mind. everybody seems to have figured their shit out. and i look at myself, trying really hard not to juxtapose myself with anybody else but its too dificult to do that when all i see in myself is someone who is thoroughly confused, my state of mind and mood constantly ephemeral. some days all i want is to sit and read and feel completely content. other days i want to whip out some paint tubes and compose a beautiful painting, and sometimes i wish i had a meaningful job with meaningful every day tasks. am i ever going to be independent? am i ever going to quit the timidity, the panic, and the uneasiness of the little obstacles in life? maybe moving to San Francisco was not the answer to all my problems, and I was naive enough to think that it was. But I think that once I begin to ask these questions its a beginning and a well worth move. I guess what I am really trying to say, and maybe a bit of denial is constraining me from admiting it. I really don't know what the hell I am heading for in my life. That's basically it. I'm not even thinking about the long term type of stuff like what I want my carreer to be. I am thinking of other things such as intelect, appreciation of art, health, love, sex, travel, feeding the homeless, learning big words, knowing what they mean, friendship, success. Too much time on my hands lets me think about such nonesense.
Currently reading: "The House of the Spirits" by Isabel Allende