day dreaming

the past few days i have been feeling like an adult. its a strange feeling that's fleeting at times. but it gives me this overwhelming sense of self and an obscure feeling of independence. maybe its because i somehow made certain assessments about my life and for the first time feel okay about who i am and where im headed for, or not headed for. if we can all just somehow accept who we are and take things for its face value, life, as it seems to me, would be more enjoyable for everyone. am i actually an adult? i don't know, but does it really matter, what defines an identity, if i feel it then it must be real, right? and if i never become something of my desire, then so what? and what is my desire? and if my desire is to have no desire, is that possible? then why can't people just accept that. can i plan to not plan? i want to be one thousand people at the same time, and be in one thousand places, and be with one thousand others, and have one thousand dreams every single night, all at the same time. but everybody plays pretend. and i don't want to play pretend any more. and at the end of each chapter of my life i think "stupid girl", but really i was just trying to figure myself out. and what's the point?

currently reading:

The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath (re-reading)
The Unabridged Jouranls of Sylvia Plath
A Passage to India by E.M. Forster
The History of Russia by Nicholas V. Riasanovsky