frienemies

i honestly never thought that i would be in this situation. in this horrible place. this horrible feeling. the feeling that i cannot trust people, even if they are good to me. how do you know, when someone is so kind and honest and loving and... amazing really. and then they just turn on you? they turn on you and they do not even think that they turn on you. they panzie out and let their own cowardice and screwed up views on what is right and wrong get before reality and love and life and... friendship. and this is not even about friendship. its not about enemies either. its about me coming to terms with reality. we live in a capitalistic society. survival of the fittest, or check books really. money makes the world go round and i was naive. i let my own screwed up views of the world as honest and fair let me be taken advantage of and now i feel stupid and pathetic. and i'll get over it, i know. this is a lesson to be learned and a very valuable one. and still, i cannot change my own feelings. i am too honest and too fair and i forgot that... this is me. i share. i cut things in to even squares. i ask the whole group for their opinion. i put in extra for tip. my mind is in one place and my heart is in another. its hard not to take things personally. its hard not to.

people are selfish. i hope i never am.

this all makes me realize that i have amazing friends, friends who never let me down, even if they screw up... they clean up their mess and fix the hurt. friends that don't let me get bullied around. i love you all.

and for now, im moving to Oakland. 510 bitches! just for a few months and then we'll see what happens.