another deep breath

and i have connection to the outside world. ladies and gentlemen, i finally have internet access in the comfort of my own home. no more late night coffee con wifi down the street at Simple Pleasures.

i have been very creative with my time, no tv and no internet will bring you back to... reality i think. i have actually spent real quality time with myself. read a few books, drank a few bottles of wine, had a few very intelligent conversations...

i feel different. i feel a little bit more grown up. omg its happening. or maybe i am just becoming more stubborn and labeling it maturity? im finding myself being much more outspoken, but not about unimportant rubbish that i was so passionate about in college... but about things that really piss me off or that affect me personally. i tend to freely express myself and most people find it hilarious, like when someone at work called me panicking about something and asked me what they can do... all i could muster up was that when im freaking out and need advice i usually call my mother. its the real truth. i called her today!

but seriously.... what is happening? first of all everyone around me is getting married and having babies. what's with the trickle effect? and i feel like im almost 30 even though im not yet in the mid twenties so there is this rush and panic and then i think, so what? so what?? what is the huge deal? i just want to go home, eat cookies, and watch sex in the city.... is that so wrong?

growing up sucks.

i want to go back in time. back to the house on the river with the playground in between the brick towers. back to the safety and the innocence. back when my mistakes had little repercussions, when decisions lay in which toy to play with and which friend to stand next to.

now i find myself standing by myself, and realizing that whatever happens, whoever i meet, whoever i befriend, or love, or invite in to my life will never fully be there. its all me.

i'm emotionally drained.